Sarah ~ Blog #3

Crash & Burn.

As if it isn't hard enough as it is to make it through a week of classes & other college commitments, I have to deal with my temperamental heart. Seriously I am so frustrated. I map out my time so carefully, and then, when I least expect it, my heart attacks me and I'm left trapped in a useless body till I recover. I didn't see it coming at all today... I got through all my classes, meetings, I even found time to eat for once and then I came back to my dorm and just crashed. I slept and slept and slept and still feel like sleeping. I can't move, I can hardly focus my eyes, I can't focus my thoughts, all I want to do is cry. But I can't let myself sink to that level. I hate telling people cause no one ever understands. No one thinks this is real. No one will understand so why even bother.
It's been such a test on my faith these past few years. Why would God make me so miserable so much of the time? Why when I'm so on fire for him and doing so well do I get hit with these surprise attacks? How can I be expected to keep up with all my responsibilities when I can't even get out of bed? POTS affects everything. There's not an aspect of living that it doesn't torment. Even worse, it kills my spirit.
I remember my mom telling me about Paul in the Bible and how he dealt with an unknown illness.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.  And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of weakness, infirmity. Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”
It's amazing to me to think that Paul of all people suffered from such a tolling illness. With all the things he accomplished for God, to think that he had days like this one, days when his body wouldn't let him do what he so desired. Paul believed that God gave him the strength he did possess and that God's power could be seen through his weakness. I believe that God's power is displayed through my weakness as well. I cannot forget how much the Lord has blessed me already. So many POTS patients never leave their bed. They don't attend school or hold a job. Look at how the Lord has blessed me though. I am in school, I hold an on campus job, I'm active in a sorority, I'm a leader of OCF, plus I'm getting involved with the University in more ways than I thought possible. The fact that I get up every morning and am able to do any of these things is amazing.
The Lord has blessed me with so much, and without this 'thorn in my side' I may not remember to thank Him for the simple things He blesses me with everyday. Because of my POTS I have been forced into learning to lean on the Lord and not my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). I cannot go an hour of my day without praying for His strength. This illness has made me into the woman I am today, and I wouldn't change it. Even if I am frustrated, I know God is in control.

Thankful.